These Charts I’m Using for my Partisan Witch Hunt are Perfectly Legitimate

PHOTO: Quinn Dombrowski

Hey, woman who’s the subject of my partisan witch-hunt: I’ve got some perfectly legitimate charts to show you that prove you’ve done this dreadful thing as described in the committee’s accusations. These charts, which I promise are not based entirely on fictions, will set the record straight once and for all.

How, you ask?

Well, that’s a good question given the fact that this is the first time I’ve ever shown you these charts, which, I swear on God’s Holy Word, are not fabricated in the least.

That, and you can’t really see the charts from where you sit for all the white men milling around and blocking your view. You see, this committee decided to place you way down there to signify your inferiority and subordination to us, but I now realize one drawback to the psychologically domineering reasons for the location of your chair is the fact that you can’t see the sensible, fact-checked charts I’ve set up here that demonstrate your culpability in this horrible thing that my charts confirm.

Okay, let’s look at this first chart here. And when I say “let’s,” I mean all the white men gathered up here with me. You just continue to sit there squinting at the chart and be prepared to respond to our illogical, fallacious questions that the chart leads us to ask.

This first chart is a pie chart. I went with a pie chart right off the bat to represent my circular reasoning and also because pie, particularly the apple variety, is very American. In fact, this pie chart addresses apple pie consumption in the United States and does not have anything at all to do with the horrid thing of which you stand accused.

Your baffled look is telling, madam, and has been noted.

Anyway, as you can gather from this chart, 33% of Americans eat apple pie at least once a week, while Americans who don’t eat apple pie that often amount to 47%. We doubt those 47% are truly Americans.

Now, in which chunk of that pie chart do you fall, madam?

That’s a rhetorical question, of course. We all know where you stand on this issue.

Now, moving on. Here is my second chart, an illustrated line graph, which is plainly not based on falsified information, hearsay, or decontextualized statistics. This, madam, is where the rubber meets the road.

I created this logically sound chart using an outdated version of Microsoft Word. Let the record show that this chart, which I had printed at Kinko’s on my three-hour lunch break yesterday, establishes the inverse relationship between the horrible thing you’ve done and the amount of smoke I am blowing up your ass and the asses of the American people.

You see, at the point where the two axes begin to diverge, there is 0% smoke and 100% of the heinous thing you’ve done.

While an independent agency has claimed that there may be a 100% margin of error on this graph, please pay no mind to that and instead focus your attention on the professionally applied sun clip art and bare ass I drew using Microsoft Paint that really make this thing pop!

Line Graph for Partisan Witch-Hunt

I’d call this the smoking gun and say it’s a wrap, but I don’t want to keep mixing metaphors. That, and there is no smoke at all up or anywhere in the vicinity of the ass pictured on this chart, because I am not blowing any.

Last but not least, here’s a good old-fashioned bar graph that I assure you is not replete with flimsy syllogisms and selective, unverified research. This final chart, which does not exhibit an utter disregard for the truth, clearly reveals in eye-catching, 3-D, shadowed fonts generated by WordArt that the scandalous, dreadful thing I say you’ve done is more significant and far more worth wasting taxpayer dollars pursuing than left-wing extremist concerns like public education, women’s healthcare, and generally functional governance.

So, madam, now that you’ve seen these honest charts without really even being able to read them much less digest their indisputable contents, what do you have to say for yourself?

Before you answer, allow me to answer for you by showing you and the committee a PowerPoint I’ve hastily arranged using the latest in default templates. And by “latest,” I mean circa 1998. The billowy clouds and floating hot air balloons I’ve used as the backdrop for each slide perfectly complement all the damning quotes from your emails, text messages, blogs, and grocery lists that I swear on my granny’s grave I’ve not taken wildly out of context.

I will now proceed to read each slide verbatim. This will undoubtedly put me over my allotted time for partisan haranguing and mansplaining, so immediately following the last slide, without giving you a moment to speak, I will cede the podium to the next white man to continue this charade.

Hey, I hear he has some nice tri-fold pamphlets that were in no way whatsoever first produced and circulated by a hate group!

So we can all look forward to his presentation as I take the next several minutes to continue to shame you chart by legitimate chart, cluttered PowerPoint slide by cluttered PowerPoint slide.

Man, these witch-hunts sure have come a long way, and I can’t wait to see what the next ten and a half hours have in store!

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Christopher Martin hails from the vast suburban void northwest of Atlanta, a sprawling wasteland teeming with dragons, manticores, and new craftsman-style mini-mansion developments with homes starting in the low 290’s. The bio he’s been known to use for lesser publications states that he lives with his family “between the Allatoona Range and Kennesaw Mountain,” though it’s probably more accurate to say they’re smack in the center of a circle that includes an overpriced barbecue joint that was once a Baptist church, a Panda Express that was once a Church’s Chicken, a Christian gun store, and a secular Target. He’s written a few things of the poem and essay variety, which you can find if you want using your favorite search engine, such as Google or Ask Jeeves, provided you’re willing to filter through all the other Chris Martins your search will yield. Atlanta Banana folks might be interested in his articles at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, though, so here you go.