APD Begins Crackdown on “Snowcockalypse”

Heh. Penises.

ATLANTA, GA–Still reeling from the aftermath of Snow Jam 2014, Atlanta Police put aside winter weather preparation this morning, shifting gears to what is now being referred to as “Snowcockalypse,” or “Dong Jam 2014.” The APD put out an all call for a criminal they are calling “The Penis Bandit,” whose alleged activities have put him on the top of their priority list.

Known in the Spanish-speaking areas of town as El Peno Bandidto, the vandal trawled our white-laced city drawing what APD Major Richard Wrankle described as “large, phallic images on snow-covered cars.”

One man whose car was vandalized described the images as “big ole dicks on my car, yo!”

While there is no description of the bandit, the Atlanta Police said to be on the lookout for a specific type of person and to call 911 if you see him, or suspect you might have a lead. But the APD also warns not against approaching this individual, as they could be armed, dangerous, or worse…attempt to draw a penis on you.

The vandal or vandals will meet the following description:

  • ­Walks outside
  • ­Likely wears some sort of mask or makeshift neck warmer (scarf) ­
  • Has fingers
  • ­Draws dicks on cars

If you have any information that could lead to the arrest of “The Penis Bandit”, call the APD tip line at (404) 555 ­TIPS.

Police have asked that citizens do not clog phone lines by calling merely to laugh about or discuss the situation.

“Just the tips, please,” said Maj. Wrankle.


  1. I had that same addiction years ago. I would see a snow covered vehicle or a dirty window and I would draw cock and balls on the windshield or rear window. It became a problem as I was a police officer at the time. While walking a beat, I would draw cock and balls on the vehicle after issuing a ticket. It got to the point that the Lieutenant on Duty had to announce at roll call, that there would be no more drawing of cock and balls on civilian windows. He never said anything about police vehicles, so the fun continued until I retired.

    • “…that there would be no more drawing of cock and balls on civilian windows.”

      Unless you are a soldier, you are a civilian. That you make a distinction between you and the rest of your fellow countrymen speaks volumes. You are a civilian police officer. Don’t let it get to your head.

      • definition of civilian – “a person not in the armed services or the police force.” Therefore, Jimmy is not a civilian if he is a police officer…….

        • Thank you Melissa, people just like to belittle or attempt to correct others on these sites. It is the nature of Americans now a days and it is the anonymity of the Internet that gives them balls. Most wouldn’t act that way face to face. Small minded and closed minded individuals look to argue with others on these sites. I posted my thoughts just to add a little humor and truth to the story. I thank you for “having my back.” I hope you have a wonderful year, you have given me hope that Americans will educate themselves before posting responses. Peace.

      • See, you are most definatly wrong there. He wears a uniform, puts his life on the line, works for the people, and gets paid by the people. Tell me how he is different than soldier, and more like a civilian?

        • You’ve just described the guy who comes and collects my trash. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!)

          • So, you consider picking up garbage cans to be putting your life on the line? Boy, damn glad you aren’t an insurance actuary.

          • Actually being a garbage man is the 4th most dangerous job in the US. Commercial fishing, commercial pilot, logger, garbage man. So yeah it is dangerous and beats out a lot of jobs in the injury/death rate including fire, police, and armed services. So speaking as a USMC vet and garbage man I can tell you standing on the back of a truck in traffic with people who don’t give a damn about you is most def. putting your life on the line.

      • It sounds like you’re the one with things going to your head. The ones who talk most often and loudest are usually the ones with the least to talk about. You should lighten up on your swollen head problems and have someone with a brain explain to you that this is supposed to be a funny comment, and not just another reason to beat your chest and pretend anyone cares what you’re saying Mr. Internet Hero.

        • Agreed!! Sounds like “vet” has his GI panties up his ass because he’s not a soldier anymore and is just a civilian like everyone else. Swollen ego reading about el peno bandito.

      • In law enforcement agencies there are “sworn” staff and “civilian” staff; that should clear it up for you. Your probably just mad you can’t pass the MMPI

      • First of all, Jimmy H., you sir are hilarious. I commend you for your determination to draw dicks even in the face of adversity.

        Second, I think what Vet was talking about, at least what I hope, is how it seems that police officers in this day and age don’t view themselves as members of the population that they are serving and protecting. Or at least there is a shift towards disassociation. Check this book out, Rise of the Warrior Cop. It just came out and was written by an author here in Nashville. http://www.amazon.com/Rise-Warrior-Cop-Militarization-Americas/dp/1610392116

        If that is what you were trying to get at Vet, then yea I have to agree with you. There might have been a less hostile way to say it though, but in a conversation about drawing dicks in the snow you gotta grab the reader’s attention if you’re going off topic. I get it…

      • In this case, it’s an “Add”-dick-tion, because the perp is Adding them everywhere :) Unless, of course, they’re Advertisements for dick, in which case, you’d be right :)

  2. @pamelahaley…….re read the article and ask yourself if you think its a credible story….dummy…..dick wrankle…

    • “the Major doesnt want the Shaft, just the Tip.”


      He’s a baaaad muther-fu…. *your shut your mouth!!*

      I’m talkin’ about SHAFT!

  3. Freaking hilarious!! If someone did this to my car, I wouldn’t be mad. I’d laugh like hell and probably do it to someone else. We’re all the Penis Bandit!!!!!!

  4. I love winters in Detroit because there are so many canvanses to draw penises on. When the cars are dirty the entire car becomes a canvas. Draw a penis on the passenger door of a police car and the driver doesn’t know it is there. When he drives down the street he has no idea why people are laughing at him. I got two cars yesterday, when I see a dirty back hatch on an SUV or mini Van, my blood rushes.

  5. What’s worse than the vandalism is how badly its drawn. That is one ugly dick – must be drawn by a straight guy.

  6. Dear anyone taking this seriously,

    If a website includes a vegetable, a piece of fruit or other foodstuff in its name, in all likelihood it is a satire site. This means that you should not believe them.

    This includes
    >The Atlanta Banana
    >The Onion
    >The Daily Currant
    >The Daily Mash

  7. I believe he has moved on to terrorize the Truck Stop bathrooms in Jonesboro, and may have a female accomplice now too based on the pictures I’ve seen.

  8. In the description of the suspect it says “has fingers”. No no no, the penis bandit draws the dick with his dick. He feels it add a nice diclky touch.

  9. He should really learn how to draw a dick first of all. I’m no expert but I’m sure no man’s penis looks like a hammerhead.

  10. This bandit is definitely dangerous. He’s been doing this a lot, has a lot of practice.

    All you concealed carriers, DO NOT draw on him!

  11. This is clearly a case of friction, err-uhhh fiction, I mean for Christs sake look how big it is….and it’s really, really cold there.

  12. A cock in hand, is not worth two in the bush. However, it might be worth 3 on the windshield, when accounting for the current exchange rate.

  13. Seriously, people, with everything going on in this country, THIS is the focus??!! If somebody were going to draw or write on a snow-covered car, they could’ve written threats, gang symbals, racsist slogans, anything-but they drew PENISES??!! Come on, people, get a life-and a sense of humor!!!


  15. I cannot believe this is even a crime! What a hoot! surely the APD has better things to spend their time doing than chasing someone who draws cocks on cars?

  16. I was wandering around lost not knowing what to do with my life, And this story just gave my life meaning. I now know my true calling. I too shall be a penis bandit! May the penis bandit rise again!

  17. how does drawing anything in snow qualify as vandalism?

    obviously APD is overstaffed if they have time for this…

  18. they got the description wrong. i saw the guy when i was down there yesterday on my way home. he had a corncob pipe , a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. i witnessed him violateing snowmen. the man is a sicko.

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