ATLANTA, GA–Still reeling from the aftermath of Snow Jam 2014, Atlanta Police put aside winter weather preparation this morning, shifting gears to what is now being referred to as “Snowcockalypse,” or “Dong Jam 2014.” The APD put out an all call for a criminal they are calling “The Penis Bandit,” whose alleged activities have put him on the top of their priority list.
Known in the Spanish-speaking areas of town as El Peno Bandidto, the vandal trawled our white-laced city drawing what APD Major Richard Wrankle described as “large, phallic images on snow-covered cars.”
One man whose car was vandalized described the images as “big ole dicks on my car, yo!”
While there is no description of the bandit, the Atlanta Police said to be on the lookout for a specific type of person and to call 911 if you see him, or suspect you might have a lead. But the APD also warns not against approaching this individual, as they could be armed, dangerous, or worse…attempt to draw a penis on you.
The vandal or vandals will meet the following description:
- Walks outside
- Likely wears some sort of mask or makeshift neck warmer (scarf)
- Has fingers
- Draws dicks on cars
If you have any information that could lead to the arrest of “The Penis Bandit”, call the APD tip line at (404) 555 TIPS.
Police have asked that citizens do not clog phone lines by calling merely to laugh about or discuss the situation.
“Just the tips, please,” said Maj. Wrankle.