Georgia to Serve Disenfranchised Voters with New Polling Center at Bottom of Lake

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    Photo: Pete Nawrocky

    CLAY COUNTY–The Georgia Secretary of State’s office announced this morning that due to mounting outrage against the shuttering of polling places in Randolph County, a brand new polling location will open at the bottom of the Water F. George Reservoir.

    The new polling location is not in Randolph county, where sparks are flying over the closed polling places. It’s a few miles away in neighboring Clay county. Secretary of State’s office spokesperson Jason French-Eisment said it’s “close enough.”

    “We’ve made this super simple,” said French-Eisment. “All the voters have to do is climb through the flame pits, avoid the piranha with lasers attached to their heads, swim to the bottom of the lake, and then place their vote. Easy! We do ask that they try not to asphyxiate but there’s only so much the state can do.”

    Critics of Georgia’s voting system in recent months have raised concerns over election tampering via insecure voting machines used in the state, but French-Eisment says that won’t be an issue.

    “People have been asking for paper ballots in Georgia and we are pleased to announce that this new polling station will use them. We will provide pencils for registered voters who will simply hold their breath while they use the sharpener.”

    Finally, when asked what hours the polling place would be open, French-Eisment answered by asking the correspondent when she would be available to vote. The correspondent suggested some hours when she’d be available, to which French-Eisment answered, “Yeah, not then.”