ATLANTA, GA–Woodworking neophyte Niall Pooler announced this week his successful conversion of a new, unused wooden shipping pallet into a shitty, uncomfortable piece of furniture. Sources close to Pooler say the original idea was to construct a shitty coffee table, but because the pallet was nearly completely destroyed during the disassembly process, a shitty chair was chosen instead.
“I don’t know what these pallet people were thinking when they put the thing together,” said Pooler. “It was really, really hard to take apart. I had to buy a crowbar.”
Pooler says he searched for weeks for a used pallet to make his shitty furniture out of, but all the ones he found lying around in alleyways were “totally busted looking.” He settled on a brand new one from a local home supply store.
“Son of a bitch! I knew he was going to make shitty furniture out of that,” said Dusty Sawyer, lumber department manager, throwing his brightly colored apron to the floor. “He could have had oak boards for that money! Oh my sweet lord. If I ever see him again I will kill him. Kill him! Do you hear me? Aaauuugh!”
But Pooler says he “couldn’t be happier,” despite having to ask his girlfriend to remove several splinters from his lower back and buttocks.
“I think the splinter holes will heal,” mused Pooler, shifting on the chair and then stifling a sharp cry of pain. “And anyway, I’ll make my money back when I sell a few of these in my Etsy store.”