ATLANTA—Delta Air Lines released a statement today that they will have to start charging for emotional baggage such as messy breakups, separation anxiety and Type A behavior. The airline, headquartered in Atlanta, doesn’t want people to overreact however, as this could lead to customers incurring even more fees.
“Let’s face it, the only ones who will really be affected should be too busy wondering why everyone they’ve ever loved has left them in their time of need to even notice the new charges,” said Brian Davidson, director of human relations.
According to Delta, the new pricing system is fairly straightforward. If you misplaced your keys in the morning or did something like burn your tongue on coffee, you can expect a simple $5 charge each way. If your child was up all night crying, the fee could jump up to $20 one way. To put it simply: the more emotional baggage you bring onto the plane, the more you should expect to pay.
“Four hundred dollars extra for a round trip? How is that fair?” asked Sarah Hyland, a Delta customer who found a picture of her sister in her husband’s sock drawer last night.
To minimize and prevent many of these fees, some experts are recommending medications such as Prozac or Zoloft to stay calm. They warn, however, that taking too many of these pills could lead to dependence and even more emotional baggage to pay for.
Delta Air Lines’ new fee system will go into effect September 11.