HALFINCHALANCHE 2014: Kiss Your Children and Set the Dog Free; We’re All Going to Die

A dog killed by a Halfinchalanche in 2005. (He survived.) PHOTO: Irish Typepad

ATLANTA, GA–It has been our extreme pleasure, here at The Atlanta Banana, to report on the issues of the day in Atlanta since 2011, but, sadly, today we must bid our beloved city goodbye. It will be buried under up to a half inch of snow later today in a disaster we are calling Halfinchalanche 2014.

There is no escape.

We advise you to gather your loved ones around you. Kiss your children, if they are clean. Hug them. Let them know that you love them no matter what. Probably also you should put a coat and a hat on them. Coats and hats will ease your family’s passing into the abyss that is Halfinchalanche 2014, from which there is no escape.

If you have a dog shaped coat or hat, burn them. Let your pet die with the dignity you robbed from him in life.

We are all going to die. Goodbye, friends.

[The Atlanta Banana regrets to inform you that you’re expected at work today and tomorrow and for the rest of your functional life. The snow’s not THAT bad.]