285 Installs Electronic Signs Showing Variable Despair Limit

PHOTO: GDOT. Overlay: Lisa Brewster

ATLANTA–Long a choice locale for the total obliteration of the human will to live, the top end section of the 285 perimeter now boasts electronic signs which can show up-to-the-minute variations in the limit of motorists allowed to despair utterly that they’ll ever again know even a glimmer of happiness.

Ben Dribing, a 35 year old insurance analyst from Roswell, tweeted from a slumped position inside his car where he ended up after pulling over on 285. “For a few minutes there, I thought I could continue to face this,” he said via twitter. “But now I know it’s utterly hopeless.” Dribeng texted his girlfriend that he “actually saw the sign go down,” adding “Oh god. Screw it. Screw it all.”

GDOT Variable Despair Project lead Charity O’Cheerup said Dribeng could have been issued a ticket. “The signs are there to promote safety. Only so many drivers can give up all semblance of their will to live at a time. The rest are just gonna have to tough it out.”

Dribeng remained slumped in his car emitting unintelligible moaning sounds until a HERO highway response unit arrived with an emergency puppy.