AUGUSTA, GA–The Masters golf tournament ended Sunday, breaking all previous records by only boring seventeen people to an untimely demise. Tournament spokesperson Harvey Slicer said hopes are high that as few as a dozen spectators could be lulled to their ultimate end next year.
“We do everything we can to keep our spectators alive,” said Slicer. “We encourage them to be as silent as possible so everyone can listen for a cessation of breathing.”
Slicer said the tournament asks anyone who looks drowsy to stand near the end of the hole, in hopes that oncoming shots will spark excitement, perhaps even encourage an uptick in otherwise lugubrious heart rates. But the golfsmen are so good at doing golf that there’s no danger.
Slicer then continued by removing his fist from in front of his mouth and completing a sizable yawn. “Sorry, ah. What was I saying? Just zoned out a bit there.”