WASHINGTON, DC–Top government officials gave a statement via press conference this morning in the never-ending wake of controversy which doesn’t so much follow the most recent school shooting as blend from the previous horrific tragedy right into the next. Officials say that regardless of high levels of support for increased licensing requirements and longer waiting periods for guns, quote, “Wee-ooh wee-ooh can’t year you!”
“Doop doop doop beep bop peas and carrots!” shouted Sen. Gunter Chesterton (R, TX). He twisted his body side to side as he gave his statement, with eyes tightly closed and hands clapped firmly over his ears.
One reporter attempted to hold up a piece of paper with some significant facts and figures about increased gun control for the lawmakers to read, but was tackled by the Secret Service.
“Aaah-AH! Aaah-AAH!” called Sen. Pembler Worbly, (D, AK), apparently doing an impression of a wild animal of some sort. Senator Worbly had the presence of mind to ask an aide to duct tape couch cushions on either side of his head, thus freeing his hands to be clapped over his eyes.
“USA! NRA! USA! NRA!” shouted Sen. Hunt Pecklington (R, FL). Pecklington had taken the topical measure jamming rifle bullets into his ears. One fell out as the senator vigorously shook his head in response to any attempt at questions from the press, however, so he was forced to run screaming from the room.
One member of the media, fluent in American Sign Language and conversant in the current trend of popular support for increased control over access to guns, attempted to mime questions to those lawmakers who hadn’t covered their eyes, and was tased twice, then asked to leave.