ATLANTA–Retail behemoth and world’s largest seller of uncomfortable underwear Walmart announced plans today to build a 22-mile ring shaped store encircling Atlanta.
The Walmart plan, which will begin construction immediately, will replace the transportation-and-happiness-based former Beltline with a gigantic ring-shaped retail store. The plan’s documents promise thousands shopping carts, as well as creepy abandoned parking lot plastic bags that have God knows what in them.
“The time has come for us to stop building discrete Walmarts here and there around Atlanta,” said Snidely Whiplash, Southeast region Walmart fancy-haired suit guy of some kind. “Our ring-shaped store will give everyone in town equal retail opportunity.”
While detractors claim that discount goods are in no way a replacement for parks, greenspace, or light rail, Walmart points out that some of their parking lots include small curbed islands that have a tree in them.
“Look, I like being outside underneath the nature trees with the dirtgrass, or whatever, as much as the next plebian,” he said. “But this is simple economics. We have the money to build our Beltline, and your old-fashioned mom-and-pop Beltline doesn’t. We win.”
Whiplash also threatened to unleash a plague of lawyers with chainsaws for hands.
“We bought them from Disney,” he said.
The ring-shaped Walmart is unpopular with businesses close to the site, but Whiplash points out Target’s rumored plans to build a smaller concentric ring of Targets inside Walmart’s ring next year.
“Target’s popularity mystifies me, I admit,” concluded Whiplash. “Cut down the store size, paint the shelves red and slap a Starbucks in it and somehow it’s more culturally acceptable? Oh well. I don’t hate the game, you know?”