ATHENS, GA–Colleges and universities across America are crumbling under pressure from students demanding “safe spaces” throughout their degree programs. Students, met with new ideas and ways of thinking at school, have taken offense en masse, ultimately leading to degree programs with courses consisting only of feelings.
The University of Georgia, no different, will offer an undergraduate degree in Feelings starting next fall. The curriculum is under development but will require 250 hours in the student’s choice of the following courses, with more to be announced over the coming months:
FEEL0100 Taking Offense
FEEL1200 Shouting “Free Speech” Until Only You Are Heard
FEEL1290 Open Letters
FEEL2000 Turning Feelings into Twitter/Tumblr/Blog Results
FEEL2150 You Deserve This Rage
FEEL3000 You Must Be Safe or No One Is
FEEL3120 Public Shaming
FEEL3930 Forming a Mob
FEEL4000 Apologising To and Crying On Potential Life Partners
Windwalker Steve Cloud 9, University of Georgia Feelings Department head, said his(?) goal is to produce students who are equipped to take offense at a world-class level. He(?) stipulated that question marks must be placed adjacent to all references to gender.
“I envision the student of tomorrow, who can become offended not only at the merest gesture of an authority figure, but at the infinitesimal advancement of a glacier,” said Cloud 9, sobbing.
But Johnny Lessmelon, University President, isn’t so sure.
“We’re stuck,” Lessmelon said. “Students are paying for their education. We have to give them what they want. If we don’t, we won’t have a University.” He sighed, and looked out the window of his office at the rolling green grounds dotted with statues. “I’m afraid these kids will enter the workforce, and their coworkers will say ‘Here comes a crybaby HR nightmare.’ But hey, whatevs.”