HARTSFIELD-JACKSON ATLANTA INTERNATIONAL DING DONG DOODLEY DOODLEY DOO PICKLES AIRPORT FOR PLANES–Metro Atlanta Rapid Area Transit (MARTA) passengers were shocked today when a tattooed man’s giggleberries escaped his trousers on a 4:00 train. Described by citizens on the scene as “wrinkly” and “off-putting,” the danglebuddies were quickly reined in by their owner.
“I would like to deeply and sincerely apologize for the unplanned escape of my nads from my shorts,” announced Harold Orbs, man to whom said scratch satchel is attached.
“Today’s lax dress codes, in concert with the dehumanizing jail-admission-like practices of the TSA, have made it acceptable for gross, lazy dudes like myself to dress for air travel precisely the way our parents dressed for yard work. As such, I am wearing my very most comfortable pair of shorts, which, coupled with the plastic DMV-castoff style seating on MARTA trains, have resulted in this unfortunate ball slip.”
Mr. Orbs then retook his seat, and continued “Oops, oh boy. Happened again. Sorry, everyone! Sorry. Slippery little buggers.”
Reverend Olted, seated nearby and having absorbed the full force of the exposed wrinklepouch, was nonplussed.
“I found Mr. Orbs speech to be well-delivered, but I have my doubts about his sincerity if for no other reason than the smile and suggestive eyebrow wiggle I observed on his face when his meatbeans broke free. Everyone has wardrobe malfunctions from time to time, but Orbs is doing it on purpose.”
The Reverend then cast a disgusted look at Mr. Orbs and continued, “He’s drawn a smiley face on them in what appears to be permanent marker. That is not the act of a man whose Dangly Dans are dangling on accident.”
“Look,” Orbs called from his seat, addressing the assembled travelers, “I’m an American, okay? I have my rights, and I’m pretty sure those include the right to have my trouser kidneys slip free — purely on accident, mind you — from time to time. What could be more American than that, I ask you?”
Loose Athletic Shorts Ltd., manufacturers of Mr. Orbs garment, refused to comment.