ATLANTA — The Yacht Rock Revue, a local musical group who perform the smoothest hits of the 70’s and 80’s, recreate the songs that Atlanta’s thirty year olds grew up with. Using these, they aim to create the kind of feel-good atmosphere that Atlanta relies on to facilitate a night of sweet, sweet sexual congress.
“Alcohol doesn’t hurt, either,” revealed the group’s Admiral, Nick Nespajean a.k.a. Vince Teal.
But Dennis Frazier, a 35 year old roofing contractor, claims they’ve lost their touch. “I took my friend Jenny out to see those guys on Saturday night. My marriage has been over for a year, and Jenny’s been separated almost as long. Neither of us has known the touch of another’s naked body in so long we were practically begging for it, but the show somehow drained all that energy.”
“I didn’t even get so much as a furtive handy jay,” Frazier complained.
The band accepts no blame for Frazier’s inability to close, however. They were alerted to his remarks at their floating headquarters, The Rock Yacht, anchored in their private cove. Reclining in white leather arm chairs and gorging themselves on boiled shrimp and white wine, they responded to Atlanta Banana reporters.
“No one wants our fans to get handjobs more than we do,” declared guitarist Monkey Boy, a.k.a. Eddie Van Failin’. “Hell, I gave a few myself in the early days, but the music can only do so much. You’ve got to bring the right person and the right energy if you want to get your pickle tickled.”
“Smoothly put, Mark,” agreed Glee, a.k.a. Nathan Yeast, bassist. “People think we do this only for the money. True, we like to get paid for our efforts, but we really do it because we want Atlanta to receive as many handjobs as possible.”
The band then led reporters to the aft deck of the Rock Yacht, and Niespodziani gestured to the dinghy stored on the rear of the craft.
“Look,” he said. “I ask you, would we name our dinghy ‘The Old Fashioned Jerk’n’Squirt’ if we were anti-handjobs? Hell no.”
Back in Atlanta, having recovered from malaise brought on by an exclusive diet of boiled shrimp and white wine, Atlanta Banana reporters tracked down the Jenny mentioned in Frazier’s statement. She turned out to be one Jennifer Sims, a 28-year-old Cumming native.
“Yacht Rock Revue had nothing to do with my decision not to get squeezy with Dennis’ pants president,” she confirmed. “In fact, he kept fist pumping to the music, revealing dark circles of sweat under his arms, and I just got grossed out.”
“I’d probably go out with him again, though,” she revealed. “If we go back to Yacht Rock. And he wears an undershirt.”