Study Finds 3 to 4 White Friends Probably Not as Cool as 1 Black Friend

There is only one black person in this photo, yet he represents 90% of the coolness. PHOTO: sebilden

TUCSON, AZ–A study released this morning by Arizona College in Tucson shows that having a single black friend is probably cooler than three or even four white friends. Director of the study, Dr. Bradley Parming, PhD, spoke to reporters via phone late Wednesday afternoon.

Dr. Parming was reluctant to speculate about his results, saying that he preferred to stick to statements supported by his research.

“Our data shows conclusively that white people are lame,” said Parming. “As a white male, you’d have to be in a pretty popular band — or maybe be a race car driver or something — to be anywhere near as cool as a regular black guy walking down the street.”

Parming and his team say that their study explains why white people go out of their way to cultivate friendships with black people. Your correspondent spoke with college student and lifelong white guy Dustin Williams, 22, in Tucson’s entertainment district.

Said Williams: “Pretty much every word that comes out of my black friends’ mouths sounds so damn cool. The way they talk- God, I wish I could pull that off.” Williams added that he plans to make more new black friends this year, with the goal of making himself seem a little cooler by association.