Stone Mountain Adds 100 Foot Sign Begging Black People to Keep Visiting


STONE MOUNTAIN, GA–Stone Mountain is a big lump of granite, but it’s also a focal point for Confederate history. That history, one that includes human slavery, has gone unnoticed as a possible point of contention to the metro area’s black community — or, for that matter, people of any race who might be offended by legalized human suffering on a national scale — since the park’s inception.

Recently, however, the park’s leaders have realized that people might find looking at Confederate heroes memorialized by the largest high-relief carving in the world, let alone lasers shooting nightly into the sky, a little off-putting.

Olivia Blivyiss spoke to Atlanta Banana reporters this morning in her office. “If you sort of take a minute to think about how slavery is a holocaust on par with, if not worse than, the World War Two holocaust, you could maybe think that our carving is, you know- … hang on a second that kind of blows my mind.”

Blivyiss went on to point out that there’s not a gigantic carving of Hitler anywhere she can think of.

“Anyway, yeah, the point is our community is predominately black, and our visitors are predominately black, so we want them to know we don’t really mean it with all this Confederate stuff. Except we do kind of mean it because history, but you know, like, well, it’s weird.”

The park had intended to erect a MLK monument, but development is stalled because the Reverend’s speeches are protected by copyright held by his descendants.

Blivyiss then added, “But we have the sign now. So please keep coming here, black people. Nevermind the lasers outlining every crag of General Lee’s face every night. We love you!”