Sequester To Put Thousands Of Overpaid Teachers In Their Place

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WASHINGTON D.C.—As a result of the government failing to work together to reach a compromise that would lower the nation’s debt, hundreds of thousands of overpaid teachers will finally be put in their place. Some could even lose their cushy jobs altogether thanks to the legislative branch’s outright refusal to work together.

“It’s really not fair to the kids,” said 4th grade teacher Ellen Young, whose exorbitant salary at an inner city school allows her to buy school supplies for all of her underprivileged students. “Couldn’t we just buy fewer fighter jets or something?” she added from her high horse.

Of the over $80 billion in education cuts expected this year, most are expected to hit the highly lucrative field of special education, where teachers get paid the same amount of money to teach a much lower-level curriculum, the hardest.

In addition, the government will be cutting many afterschool and outreach programs in schools that are already severely underfunded since they’re clearly getting resources from somewhere else to stay up and running for so long.

“They might as well become private schools instead of sucking from the teat of the American taxpayer,” said Representative Paul Broun of Georgia who used hundreds of thousands of dollars in illegal, private bank loans to fund his campaign for public office. “The hardworking American taxpayer.”

At press time Congress was trying to decide which veterans’ benefits were most frivolous.