ATLANTA, GA — Though voting right’s groups and Democratic representatives have called the Secretary of State’s handling of new voter registrations into question ahead of the midterm elections, the office maintains that it is chiseling the names into granite as fast as it possibly can.
The current Secretary of State, Bernie Klapp, is simultaneously overseeing the validity of elections and running for governor of Georgia, a position some say he is well suited for given that he is both his family’s Monopoly board game banker and champion.
Klapp has rebuffed calls for him to step down or recuse himself, saying, “Gurp.”
“We fighting to protect the integrity of our elections,” said Klapp’s spokesperson, Stew Juh, gesturing to a man lightly tapping a slab of granite with a sharpened stick. “The state’s voter registration processes are paramount to us and will be observed regardless of how long they may take.” He then pointed at a correspondent and said, “If you can read Latin translated into cuneiform, burned into rice paper, fed to a leopard, and then carve the resulting essence of the leopard’s excrement into granite with a sharpened stick, then help us out. Otherwise, we have work to do.”