AMES, IOWA — At a critical rally in a state where the pile of dog shit is polling neck-and-neck with a heap of horseshit, many pundits see the endorsement as a key to the pile of dog shit winning the Iowa caucuses and thereby building momentum to earn the Republican nomination for president.
“Some out there in the establishment say this here pile of dog shit isn’t conservative enough to be our party’s nominee,” the former Alaska governor told a rapt audience of “hardworkin’ Iowa families, farm families, teachers and teamsters, cops and cooks, rock-and-rollers and holy-rollers” as she stood beside the grinning mound of canine feces. “Oh my goodness gracious. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism? Who are they to tell us that a pile of dog shit isn’t conservative enough? Give me a break.”
The erstwhile vice presidential candidate added: “This pile of dog shit’s passion, its power, is the fabric of America, and it’s woven by work ethic and dreams and drive and faith in the almighty, and also by some indigestible grasses that the dog who shat it out ate to help with an upset stomach. What a combination! Are you ready to share in that, Iowa? Because that’s what’s gonna make America great again.”
“[This candidate] is from a dog’s gastrointestinal tract, not a politician,” Palin also said. “Can I get a hallelujah! Are you ready to stump for a dump, Iowa? I’m here to support the next President of the United States — a steaming gob of dog shit!”
“When I heard [Palin] was going to endorse me, I was so honored. You have no idea how honored,” the clump of dog excrement told reporters.
Political analysts have indicated that, with Palin’s endorsement, it is pretty much the pile of dog shit’s primary to lose.
“If the dog shit can continue to distance itself from the horseshit, the dog shit should be able to get the Republican nomination, no doubt,” University of Iowa political science professor Jonathan Jenkins told reporters via email. “This key endorsement should stir things up a little, cause some movement. Like a sour stomach, I anticipate the Republican field will clear out pretty soon so the clod of dog feces and the putrid load of horse-apples can really go after each other and make their differences known to the voters.”
At press time, campaign managers for several of the other Republican contenders — including a patch of mouse turds, a splattering of bird shit, a cow patty, a piece of coyote scat marking its territory on a rock, and a litter-encrusted cluster of cat dookie — were reportedly making plans to advise their candidates that, in light of Palin’s endorsement of the dog shit, the writing was smeared on the walls and they should suspend their campaigns