PIEDMONT PARK–Chaos reigned early this morning as rival fitness boot camps waged a bitter battle over exercise turf. According to eyewitness accounts, rival boot camps CrossFit Thunderdome and BattleFlex 3000 were involved in an all-out brawl after CrossFit’s 100-meter run ended a little too close to the BattleFlex encampment near the softball field.
Tension has long been high between the two factions, but on this day the latent hostility finally turned into bloodshed. At least a dozen people have been taken to nearby Grady hospital with conditions ranging from “stable” to “crushed skull.”
Our source, who declined to be identified out of fear (as well as shame over his under-defined trapezius muscles), said that once the errant CrossFit runner passed too close to the BattleFlex position, all hell broke loose.
“That poor CrossFitter couldn’t have possibly landed in a worse spot,” our source stated. “She finished slap up against the BattleFlex guys right in the middle of their third set of burpees. Before anyone could say anything, the BattleFlexers were already throwing bumper weights…although it wasn’t technically that much weight because you know how bumpers are.”
CrossFit wasn’t going down without a fight, however. No sooner had their comrade fallen than an indecipherable battle cry, presumably full of acronyms, went up from CrossFit’s coach, instantly rallying the far-flung troops in the pre-dawn darkness. A salvo of kettlebells went skyward as the CrossFitters flanked their enemy and initiated their counter-assault. A phalanx of high-knee-ing runners charged screaming into the BattleFlex ranks, just as the kettlebells rained down their devastation.
“The kettlebells were a stroke of genius,” continued our source. “The attack was simply furious, both from the air and from the ground. I had no idea girls could throw anything that high or kick so hard. I’m kinda turned on, to be honest.”
BattleFlex immediately responded with undulation ropes and Atlas stones, slowing down the CrossFit attack but hardly stopping it. One particularly large BattleFlex member drew the ire of a number of smaller CrossFitters, as they surrounded him and delivered a withering assault of combination sit-ups and groin punches.
Atlanta police, thankfully, soon arrived on the scene, ending the hostilities by firing paleo apple muffins and gluten-free pasta into the crowd, temporarily distracting the now carb-starved combatants.
Representatives from both CrossFit Thunderdome and BattleFlex 3000 have declined comment, although Facebook is rife with members both posting pictures of the donnybrook and claiming “PRs,” whatever the hell that means.
Check back with the Banana for further updates.