Republican Party Releases Holiday Single: “I’m Dreaming of a War Christmas”

PHOTO: Donkey Hotey

WASHINGTON, DC–In a moment of uncharacteristic unity, the Republican frontrunners for President in 2106 gathered in a Maryland recording studio this week to produce a variation on Irving Berlin’s holiday classic “White Christmas.”

“We changed the lyrics around some,” Donald Trump said, speaking over reporters even though they were asking him a question he’d summoned them to ask him. “We wanted a holiday message to appeal to the peasant working class without the wealthiest people in the nation thinking we’re going soft.”

“I occasionally disagree with Mr. Trump,” said Sen, Ted Cruz (R, TX), “but he’s got one hell of a baritone.”

The first verse as sung by Mr. Trump and others:

I’m dreaming of a war Christmas
Just like the ones we used to fight
Where the drone strikes shower, and enemies cower
To hear terror in the night

The candidates agreed that the United States — the most warlike nation in the history of humanity, to whose elite ruling class war is a financial home run — must do everything it can to keep its enemies from thinking it has gone soft, even if it, the U.S. does love Christmas.

“We’re not afraid to say ‘Merry Christmas,'” pointed out Ben Carson. “You don’t hear people saying it much anymore because they’re afraid of saying it. I’m not even sure anyone realizes Christmas is happening. That’s how afraid everyone is of saying it. But I’ll say it. Merry Christmas. There. I said it again. I’ll say it like fifty times right here. For real.”