Red Sky over Atlanta Portends Coming of Evil Streetcar

PHOTO: Derek John Lee

ATLANTA, GA–A blood red sky over the city of Atlanta last night foretold the coming of a great evil: The Atlanta Streetcar. Due to have its power system turned on today, the city is now locked into a blood pact with the streetcar system from which no one can be saved, and using which few besides tourists will locomote.

“Oh god, why?” cried Mayor Kasim Reed, turning his face to the sky and clutching symbolically with both hands. “We did our best. Our best, damn you! From whence did this evil come?”

The city’s witch doctor, Pheech T’Reese-Chreet, boiled the discarded bones of one hundred gnawed chicken wings, painstakingly collected from the sidewalks outside downtown businesses and government buildings. He then scattered the bones in the parking lot of the deserted Varsity Jr. restaurant on LaVista at midnight. In those bones he read the city’s dark fortune.

“Hear me!” T’Reese-Chreet cried. A thunderclap boomed overhead and lightning crazed across the sky’s breast. “Hear my words, city of Atlanta. Do you see this red sky? A great evil descends upon you like a fat cousin. Woe! Woe betide any man who goes into the belly of that evil streetcar.”

The witch doctor then cackled maniacally and was asked to shut up by several nearby condo owners. The boiled chicken bones glittered in the disused parking lot like stars, and the streetcar slept and waited.

Overhead, the red sky’s wind sighed to the streetcar. Soon.