FAIRBURN, GA–Responding quickly and needlessly to last month’s tragic Boston Marathon bombings, the pretend knights of Georgia’s Renaissance Festival have pledged to “spare no measure” in guarding against a similar incident at this year’s fair.
“Be not mistaken: should a bootless, milk-livered craven seek to disrupt our revelries, he shall be straightway dispatched!” proclaimed Wes Buchanan, a 32-year old man who still lives with his parents and, somehow, still works at Blockbuster. “While we noble sirs do guard these grounds, no maiden fair nor suckling babe need fear the caprice of a desperate man.”
Buchanan, who answers to “the noble Sir Wesley of the Dunwoody Way” at the Festival, and to “Dilawyr Valeroy” when playing World of Warcraft, described the increased security measures in detail:
“No turret shall go unmanned, no entrance unpatrolled! At every gateway be there knights of the highest order, sworn to show no mercy to spineless curs who would shed guiltless blood.”
Completely unprompted, he went on, offering this challenge to potential trouble-makers:
“What, ho, beef-witted night-brawlers? Thou corn-cobbed canker-blossoms? Dost thou think that thou art quicker than mine broadsword? Canst thou fly faster than my arrow’s arc? Art thou made of stronger stuff than the steel of my dagger, the spiked ball of my mace? Art thou brazen enough to tempt the valiant yet barbarous order of the king? I pray thee come, and test the aim of my bow!”
After continuing like this for another 30 minutes, Buchanan quietly added that an increased presence of plainclothes policemen “shall patrol the fair at length, as well.”