ParkATLANTA Fines to Equal Cost of New Car by 2014

Good news, citizens. We have found a solution to our budget shortfall: more budget. PHOTO: Alan Stanton, Flickr

ATLANTA–Atlanta City Council officials are considering a vote today that would raise ParkATLANTA fines by 40%. At that rate, as early as the year 2014 the cost of parking a new car within the city limits of Atlanta could equal the value of the car itself.

City officials have been tight-lipped on the matter, but an unnamed source in the mayor’s office spoke candidly via phone, disguising his voice using a Sean Connery impression.

“It’s quite simple, Trebek,” the source said. “I started a company named PorkATLANTA with your mother last night.”

ParkATLANTA spokesman Ira Tating said this morning that the measure was in accordance with ParkATLANTA’s plans all along.

“In the future, our pay kiosks won’t even accept money. You’ll simply drive your car into the city, park it inside one of our easy car-shaped receptacles, and then the car will become the property of ParkATLANTA.”

When pressed for answers on how citizens who can only afford one new car every ten years or so could afford to work within the city limits, Tating went on to point out that it is often necessary to spend money to make money.

“Don’t worry though,” he said. “We are working on plans for 27 high-powered pneumatic trebuchets which will be installed at the perimeter. Citizens can pay $50 to be launched into the city, many times within a mile or two of their workplace or hospital of choice.”