Paleo Diet Longevity Benefits Considered by Dangerous Highway Asshole


ATLANTA, GA–Dangerous highway asshole Jen Peters took time while running errands Saturday to fully consider the benefits offered by switching her eating plan to the Paleolithic diet, which eschews processed foods in favor of organic, natural fare.

“It just makes a lot of sense,” said Peters, swerving her speeding BMW into a space far too small for her parallel parking skills were it stationary, thereby cutting off a tractor trailer weighing nearly 40 tons. “If I can live a few months longer by cutting out processed foods and bread, that’s important to me.”

Peters drove with one hand on dry-rotted bald tires, using the other hand to google “paleo muffins” on her smart phone. She read up on benefits to her figure as well as additional life span while performing an ill-advised, unlawful merge into highway traffic. Surrounding motorists were forced to brake suddenly, narrowly avoiding a long pileup.

“I think I might have a gluten allergy,” said Peters.

Peters, 34, received her driving license nearly twenty years ago after only the semblance of a driving test performed by a state employee who had himself been utterly mentally checked out for decades. In the intervening years, neither her skills nor awareness have improved.

“I’ve also been thinking about trying crossfit- oops! That’s my exit!” Peters said, swerving at the last minute into an exiting lane. No turn signal had been activated as of press time.