Ornithologist Spites Couple, Corrupts Nephew With Lewd Bird Names

A "Large-breasted Gutterslut" visits the Crowders' backyard

AUSTELL — A South Cobb couple suspects that their son has been taught erroneous, often lewd bird names for a school project.  Steve and Alicia Crowder, through their lawyer, have formally accused Steve’s brother, Dennis Crowder, an ornithologist with the Georgia Environmental Protection Division, of intentionally providing false bird names to their son Cole strictly for his own petty enjoyment.

Father Steve Crowder spoke to reporters on Monday.

“Dennis and I haven’t gotten along all that well in some time,” he noted, “and I have often secretly laughed at his job. I mean, birds?  Really?”

Alicia added, “Yes, I also think birds are stupid, and that they frown too much. Still, when this project came up, we figured Dennis was perfect.” The couple has stated that Dennis reluctantly agreed to allow young Cole to accompany him on weekend birdwatching excursions, and eventually began helping the eight-year-old assemble a display for the science fair. 

The boy’s father first became suspicious when Cole excitedly revealed that he had seen a Crotched Taint-shrike (Aroma assholicus) in the backyard.  Said Steve, “I thought that sounded a little weird, but I’m no bird geek.  Who cares what they’re called?  Alicia and I were just thrilled to have the little shit out of the house.”

The sightings continued, with Cole logging  his discoveries into a journal. In an entry dated 1/7, he observed a Rosy-lipped Vulva (Herpes pustulum) underneath the large bush in the backyard.  The following afternoon, seven Girthy Lordcocks (Erectus megaphallus) flew overhead.  The bird most often noted by young Cole was the Hooded Clitoris (Twat buttonii), which was seen on twelve separate occasions.

After asking Dennis to ferry Cole’s project over to the school on the day of the science fair, Steve and Alicia were shocked to hear Cole announce that a flock of Large-breasted Guttersluts (Alicia crowderii) was feeding in the backyard.  They had no sooner asked Cole where he had heard such language when the phone rang.  Cole’s principal called to say that there was a problem with the science project and that Steve and Alicia needed to come down to the school immediately.

“At that point, we began to suspect Dennis was up to something,” Alicia said.  They arrived at St. Prude’s Christian Academy just as an outraged crowd was gathering around their son’s project.  To the Crowders’ horror, the central piece of the display, a large poster entitled “My Favorite Backyard Birds,”  featured not only pictures of everyday birds labeled with names like Taint-shrike, Lordcock, Vulva, Gutterslut, and Clitoris, but also another image of a stunningly-plumaged bird apparently called the Hu’s Laughing Nowbitch (Aeta bagadix).

Dennis Crowder could not be immediately reached for comment.


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