I woke up this morning, removed my specially-crafted sleeping scimitars, and proceeded to the Macintosh Classic from which I edit Atlanta’s finest news hole, The Atlanta Banana. It was there that I beheld the following message from the Atlanta subsection of popular news aggregator Reddit:
you have been banned from posting to /r/Atlanta: The Lost City of Atlanta.
I’m sure this merely represents some kind of mistake, but I believe it may stem from a misunderstanding about my newspaper’s pedigree. While my Banana may appear to merely be something I built myself and then appointed myself the editor of-
Well, anyway, it’s more than that, and now you’re treating us like some kind of a… dang I had a word for this. Something short, you know? Like “dick” but a little cleaner. “Nerd?” No, that’s no good. Shit; oh well.
In any case, our Atlanta Banana grew up the son of African-American sharecroppers, oblivious to the fact that we are a news organization. We stood out in our loving family, not only because we lacked proper rhythm, but because we are a newspaper.
We left our home to find our fortune, and ended up working at a gas station where we published some small news for the first time. Unfortunately, we were also being chased by a crazed lunatic with a rifle, so we went into hiding in a carnival.
Many years later, it turned out that those first news items we published had made us rich, so we took our money and bought a real web site, from which we hoped to marry you, the Atlanta subsection of Reddit.
Unfortunately, you have now kicked us out.
Well, Atlanta subsection of popular news aggregator Reddit, we’re gonna go then. And we don’t need any of this. We don’t need this stuff, we don’t need you, we don’t need anything!
Except this. This ashtray and that’s the only thing we need is this. We don’t need that or that; just this ashtray!
And this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all we need. And this remote control.
The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control. That’s all we need!
And these matches.
James C. Hodgson, Jr
The Atlanta Banana