WASHINGTON–President Obama revealed this morning that the Prime Minister of Russia, Vladimir Putin, will take the place of the drone strikes against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Putin was cagey about backing a U.S. strike plan, but offered his support if Obama agreed that Putin could do just as much damage as any bomb merely by ripping off his shirt and terrorizing military targets with his fists and bare chest.
“At first, President Obama came at us with that old ‘chemical weapons’ chestnut,” said Aleksandar Živojinović, Russian media relations spokesman. “Boy have we heard that one before. But then, Putin offered to be dropped instead of conventional munitions and talks warmed up quite a bit.”
Prime Minister Putin will be dropped out of the bomb bay of a Russian TU-160 Blackjack bomber, just like an actual bomb would. Though the Prime Minister could just as easily begin his descent by walking out the door of a transport plane, Putin refused to answer questions on this choice, saying only “I am bomb now.”
Putin will be equipped with a special American-made parachute, crafted from hand-harvested magnesium-infused hercules baboon spider thread and costing an estimated $22 trillion to construct. He will deploy said parachute within 1000m of the ground, land safely, then rip his shirt from his body and begin laying waste to select military targets.
“This plan is the best agreement our two governments could come up with. It allows the U.S. to continue to hemorrhage money in military conflict with as many countries as possible while barely avoiding pissing off Russia.” said White House spokesman Alex Rush.
The plan also calls for billions of dollars in U.S. tanks to be dropped, but these will be driverless, unarmed, and have their engines removed.
“We just need to get rid of those,” said Rush. “Putin doesn’t need ’em.”