UNITED STATES–Recent polls show that across America fears are high that Obama will go through with his plan to bomb cereal. The President has not yet declared his intent, but sources say it definitely sounds like the idea is on the table.
“This isn’t great,” said Tony di Tiger, 31, retired Frosted Flakes cereal pitch man. “Nothing about this is great. I am in fear for my life due to my close ties to cereal.”
Di Tiger also said he realizes that it’s the U.S’s job to orderly distribute bombs to every nation on earth, but simply can’t think of a reason why they’ve moved on to cereal.
“I just wanted to be part of your nutritious breakfast,” said di Tiger, dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief. “If I die, I just-,” he said, his words twisted by emotion, ” I want people to remember I.. was grrreat.”
In a similar position is Buzz Bee, Honey Nut Cheerios mascot and spokesperson. Though Mr. Bee declined to be interviewed, he and Sir Charms of the Lucky Charms brand breakfast cereal gathered with di Tiger at the di Tiger home to provide support to one another’s families.
“I don’t know what we can do except just support one another,” said Sir Charms. “Perhaps one of our lawsuits will somehow stop Obama from launching strikes against cereal.”
Sir Charms then asked reporters to please leave, concluding the interview with a message of hope for a fortuitous legal solution to their crisis.
“For us to duck the harms,” he said, “we’re magically litigious.”