ATLANTA–Tickets for the popular Atlanta music festival Music Midtown now feature lowered online “convenience fees,” costing only a single severed finger.
Concert promoters have hinted that future fees may go back up to a whole hand or even most of a limb, so interested citizens should shut up and pay.
The single-finger figure is for a one-day “Plebian Pass,” with an additional monetary cost of $55. Interested parties wishing to enter the festival without crawling 100 yards through raw sewage can purchase a “VIP” pass for $250, and those interested in eating wilted lettuce in a tent which formerly sheltered a donkey breeding operation can purchase a “Super Ultra Mega Diamond VIP” pass at $1000.
“Look, it’s expensive to get Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder to come here,” says festival promoter Snake Sinbarrels. “He’s perfectly happy to stay in Seattle, alternately mumbling unintelligibly and bleating like a goat. Atlanta’s a haul for him.”
Sinbarrels was tight-lipped about his plans for the severed fingers he would collect.
“You try putting on a festival some time,” Sinbarrels continued. “Everything costs so much money it’ll make your head spin. Ludacris has demanded a ride from College Park on the back of an albino tiger. Girl Talk wants us to pay Billy Ocean to be onstage during his set.”
Atlanta Banana reporters pressed Sinbarrels for details about rock band The Foo Fighters.
“They just asked for peace and harmony for all mankind,” Sinbarrels shrugged. “I told them we’re Atlanta and we don’t do that kind of thing.”
The promoter’s office is required by law to operate a walk-up ticket window where people can purchase festival tickets without having their fingers lopped off:
Cheapskates not willing to pony up a measly finger must be at the Tabernacle in the middle of the workday on whatever day their boss is most cranky. They will then have heated snakes thrown at them.
Rumors that the festival would feature holograms of living musicians who just didn’t feel like attending were not addressed by concert promoters’ offices as of presstime.