ATLANTA–The Music Midtown Festival has announced their crowd lineup for this weekend’s anticipated event and promise that it will be the “worst collection of assholes and d-bags ever assembled in one place”.
Festival Promoter Junior Conlon is confident that this year’s crowd will surpass all previous records for intoxication, noise, violence and fecal output. “Music Midtown 2013 will once again prove to be, dollar for dollar, the WORST concert experience for your money,” said Conlon in a statement. “We’ve worked hard to guarantee the biggest dipshits and horses’ asses will be there to scream in your ear, spill beer all over you and knock your significant other to the ground!”
Headliners Joey Hampton and Chance Hughey will return for their third straight Music Midtown. These frat brothers from UGA in Athens plan to maintain an endless flow of conversation at 130 decibels for all two days of the festival, ranging from such topics as: the Dawgs losing to Clemson, past shows they have seen at the Georgia Theater, the Dawgs game vs South Carolina, that time they got so fuckin’ trashed, when is the next Widespread show, the awesome titties on that girl over there, the Dawgs versus Florida, why Carla is a fuckin bitch, that other time they got really fuckin’ trashed, Dawgs vs Tech, etc etc.
New to Music Midtown this year will be the Bootleg Ensemble, a collection of roughly 1,500 young 20-somethings who will stand directly in front of you and block your view of the stage by holding their smartphones aloft to take extremely shitty videos of the band. Also appearing in the crowd at the new Third Stage at Oak Hill, will be Cindy Williams and Todd Hamm. This extremely intoxicated couple will have huge, screaming, sobbing, flailing breakups every half hour. It also promises to be very interactive, with other audience members dragged into the fray against their will. Conlon also issued assurances that even though Dave Matthews Band isn’t even playing the festival this year, he’s counting on at least 2,500 of their fucking idiot fans to show up and ruin everything.
“Once again, Music Midtown will be THE live music event, for people who don’t give a fuck about live music,” said Conlon. “So come on down and pay $100 bucks to talk, drink, shit, throw a football, fight… basically anything other than actually watching the bands!”