Multi-Racial Haunted House Scaring The Shit Out of Suburban Atlantans

Who wants to spend the night somewhere besides here? I do. PHOTO: Sean MacEntee

SANDY SPRINGS–A new Haunted House in Sandy Springs has been doing booming business since its grand opening this October 1st. The new haunted attraction, named The Brown Manor, is an interactive experience for visitors that features an “alternate reality” where minorities live & thrive in suburban Atlanta neighborhoods and is being called “the scariest thing I have ever seen” by local residents.

“The very first thing, I saw a black family moving in two doors down from me, and then showing up at my church that Sunday. I was already hyperventilating by that point, and then suddenly a Hispanic-owned small business jumped out from behind a corner and opened up less than a mile away. I shrieked like a little girl!”, stated Reed Habersham IV, a Caucasian 4th generation Roswellian. “I’m still shaking.”

Jennifer Whitbread, a mother of four from Dunwoody, passed out inside the attraction and was attended to by paramedics in the parking lot. “The classroom simulation was terrifying”, said Whitbread. “My little girl was sitting right next to black and Hispanic kids, and I didn’t have a voucher to send her to a predominantly white school. I couldn’t stop screaming!”

It’s all in a day’s work for the Brown Manor employees, however. According to a company spokesperson, in just one month of operation the attraction has already had 4 heart attacks and 12 Tea Party protests, which far exceed their initial forecasts.

Some residents, however, think that the haunted house goes too far in its quest to scare. JimBob Corntooth, an unemployed crazy man from Woodstock, felt the Voting Precinct room was “in poor taste”. “A black guy comes in, walks right up and votes for Obama. No one tried to intimidate him, no one asked him to show a specially issued, impossible-to-get Voter ID or tried to stop him from voting in any way” said Corntooth. “I got sick on the floor right there.”

Not all of the attraction’s visitors are so negatively affected, though. Byron Simmons, an  African-American father of four, walked his entire family through the haunted house and afterwards said it was a great, fun outing.

“These multi-culturalism exhibits are pretty cool”, said Simmons. “It’s really amazing to think that racism is a thing of the past in today’s New South!”