MARIETTA–Two high school students, Dustin (18) and Dakota (16) Sizeworth, were subjected to an awkward visit Sunday morning from their uncle Barry Tender, calling himself “The Easter Barry.” Tender, clutching a Southern Comfort bottle and complaining loudly, hid brightly colored eggs about the yard and generally made a fool of himself.
“I don’t know what these kids problem is,” stated Tender, demanding to be called by his full ceremonial name, The Easter Barry. “I stayed up all night to be here bright and early to hide these eggs, and they act like I’m out of my mind.”
Tender, manager at a wallpaper glue testing facility, has been visiting his sister Marsha’s kids every year on Easter since Dustin was 3 years old.
“Hell,” he says, “Little Dakota couldn’t even walk then, but I still stuck her in a bush next to where I’d hid one of the eggs so she could see it.”
The Easter Barry’s sister, Marsha Sizeworth, née Tender, has her own concerns about the Easter tradition.
“This started as a cute thing we did with the kids, but they just aren’t into it anymore. They’ll do stupid games on their cell phones until the wee hours of the morning, but they’re not gonna go out in the yard and look for eggs Barry hid for them,” she said.
From the yard at this juncture could be heard a man’s voice shouting, “The EASTER Barry!”
“On top of which,” added Sizeworth, whispering, “He is hammered. Look at him.”
Out the window could be seen a large man sitting among pine straw and azalea bushes, trying and failing to straighten a pair of white rabbit ears on his head.
“Dustin goes off to college next year,” Sizeworth concluded. “Hopefully that will be the end of this.”
As of press time, The Easter Barry was asleep on the couch with much of his stomach poking out of his shirt.