Man Sees Huge CrossFit Results In Bank Statement

A potential CrossFit cultist rests before his next set of skipping. PHOTO: Arctic Warrior

ATLANTA–New CrossFit exerciser Mark Phillips has announced huge results from his latest attempt to get into physical shape, visible in his bank statement.

Said Phillips, “At first, it wasn’t easy to see what I was working so hard every day for, but now that I’ve been at it for a few weeks, I can easily see the difference. The fat has been trimmed big time from my bank account.”

Phillips provided The Atlanta Banana with a list of exercises that resulted in the changes he’s seen.

“Well, first of all we do a lot of jogging around the block,” he said. “The point of this exercise is to surprise people trying to walk into the stores that are on the same block as the CrossFit gym. Basically if you think of grown people doing a hurried conga line, or an impersonation of ants heading around a baseboard, that’s what the run part is like.”

Phillips then went on to describe an exercise known as the Rope Wiggler.

“I’m not really sure what that one’s for,” he shrugged, “but I know we wiggle the hell out of some huge ropes. Like tie-a-cruise-ship-to-a-dock size ropes. And of course, we flip tires over. This is in case the tires get water in them, so mosquitos can’t breed in the little pools of water in there.”

Reporters also spoke with Shasta Hinson-Connery, gym owner.

“The fact is,” she stated, “Anyone can walk out their front door in a pair of tennis shoes and run a few miles, or go to a gym and lift weights for 35 bucks a month. The extra few hundred a month they pay covers our specialized yelling.”

“Oh, and ropes and tires, of course,” she concluded. “Gotta buy ropes and tires. And racks to do kicky pull-ups on.”


  1. Um, the title of this article talks about crossfit saving him money but the story doesn’t align. Actually, it sounds like he should see his bank statement ‘get worse’ instead of better because crossfit apparently costs “hundreds” more per month than a typical $35 gym membership.

  2. @ John – The title doesn’t say his bank account gets better. It says he sees “Huge Crossfit Results”. You just interpreted it wrong.

    • Yes Alex, that is exactly what the story says. But the use of bank references is what I have issue with. The title says “man sees huge crossfit results in bank statement”. It should have simply said “man sees huge crossfit results” as “bank statement” is superfluous and confusing. All references to bank statments and bank accounts in the story should have been left out.

      Also, I did a quick google search of “crossfit bank statment” to see if there was some crossfit jargon that I didn’t know about. The search resulted in this article showing and, of course, listings of actual banks with no other results pertaining to crossfit – again leading me to question the use of bank references in this article.

      • Dude, very simple – the article was being sarcastic by saying all the stuff he does at crossfit he can either do on his own, or at a gym for 1/4th the price. Crossfit is expensive (Something like $125 per month). So the article is showing the results of signing up for Crossfit really show in his bank account slimming down, and not necessarily him. Honestly, I tried Crossfit and i have no problem with it. The only problem I have is the cost. You can literally get similar results with P90X, or Insanity for one payment of $85 (just 1 month worth of crossfit), get to stay home, and honestly I see results just as good with those as with Crossfit. So, financially, why would I spend $1,500 a year to try to get my body in shape when i could spend 1 payment of $85 and get the same results?

Comments are closed.