MANSFIELD, SC–Following a barrage of complaints from area Christians regarding the use of solid red, seasonal cups that bear no Christmas message at all, local Starbucks proprietor Krista H. Josephson decided to up the ante and dispense cups featuring Satanic imagery this holiday season, sources confirm.
Reporters on the scene described Josephson burning the entire stock of corporate-approved, solid red cups in a sick, Satanic ritual, using the ashes to draw pentagrams on her face and all over the coffeehouse walls.
She then proceeded to her car — a hearse — and removed boxes of customized coffee cups that she designed herself and ordered using Vistaprint.
“Frankly, I liked those corporate cups because red, in addition to being the color of goat’s blood, is the color most often used in cartoon depictions of my Lord and Prince Lucifer,” Josephson told reporters at a press conference. “So I thought I’d have some common ground with Christians there, because, along with being the color of my favorite apocalyptic horse — the one some scholars take to be a metaphor for Christian persecution — red is a festive Christmas color, too.”
When pressed for further comment, Josephson continued: “Look, I was cool with those red cups, and I thought for sure Christians would be, as well. I mean, with all that’s going on in the world, one would think the color of a cup of overpriced coffee wouldn’t cause much of a stir. But since they’ll never be satisfied, fuck it. There’s no sense hiding who I am anymore. All those Christians complaining about the red cups I had here until I ritually burned them are absolutely right: I am a Satanist.”
Local man Richard Head, a regular at the Mansfield Starbucks, told reporters he always sensed something strange about Josephson: “No, I’m not really surprised to hear she’s a Satanist, not at all. I mean, the first clue was she’s a woman in a position of power. I’m a Bible-believing, born-again Christian and just don’t think a woman ought to be managing a coffee shop, so that tipped me off right from the get-go. And then when she started forcing her employees to dispense coffee in so-called ‘holiday’ cups that don’t have any Bible verses or Christian clichés on them at all, I just knew she had to be a worshiper of Beelzebub.”
“This is about religious freedom, plain and simple,” said US presidential candidate and bestselling author Mike Huckabee on Fox & Friends, in a clear effort to attach himself, leech-like, to a local anecdote that substantiates his persecution complex. “This country, under the leadership of a president who isn’t even Christian, has devolved into the kind of place where God-fearing, Bible-believing baristas are forced to work for and take orders from a follower of the devil.”
At press time, Josephson was seen stocking the shelves with her new, customized cups that, to the horror of Christians in the vicinity, she then forced baristas to fill with a highly addictive brew and dispense to customers.
Sources confirm there are at least six new holiday cup designs — a number Josephson has not denied as purposeful — including one with a pitchfork, one with a beast rising out of the ocean, one with a goat-headed mythical creature seated on a throne amid flames and tortured souls, one with a snake (which Josephson has requested baristas only use to serve the Caramel Apple Spice Cider), one with Cerberus leaping through a pentagram, and one special edition cup, set to change on each of the twelve days of Christmas, featuring reprints of some of the most harrowing scenes from Gustave Doré’s engravings of Dante’s Inferno.
Our correspondents in Seattle indicate that, while Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has declined to comment as yet, he is planning to reveal that he is the Antichrist during the next blood moon in 2033.
[This amazing post contributed by Christopher Martin. Heap praise on him. -Ed]