ATLANTA–Georgia legislators are changing their tune on the issue of marriage equality this morning in the wake of actor Ryan Gosling’s visit to the state. After meeting with the actor at a party last week, support for same sex marriage has swelled overnight.
“I simply did not realize how beautiful a man could be,” said Chap Handley, R-Woodstock. “Everything I thought I knew has vanished and been replaced by light and warmth. That brilliant warmth’s name is Ryan Gosling.”
Handley introduced the bill, scrawled hastily on a cocktail napkin. It is among the shortest pieces of legislation introduced in the state of Georgia, and appears to conclude by inviting Gosling to answer whether he will marry Sen. Handley via two checkboxes, one labeled “yes,” the other labeled “no.”
But Bart Chandler, D-Macon, said he will oppose Handley at every turn. “I hereby assure the people of the great state of Georgia that I will do whatever is in my power to oppose Sen. Handley. When Ryan Gosling lays his sculpted body down at the end of a long day, it will be within my arms that he does so, not Handley’s.”
When asked about the implications of legalizing marriage equality for the entire state, the Senators were both dismissive.
“I don’t give two shits what the rest of you do,” said Handley. “If I have to legalize gay marriage for everyone so that I can live out my days at Ryan Gosling’s side, so be it.”
Chandler said, “I tried to push this legislation through back when Prince visited Atlanta in 1992. He was the purple-clad king of my heart in those days. But Gosling has replaced him utterly and dashed all but his faintest memory to bits.”
Handley has been married to his wife Edna for 30 years, Chandler to his wife Beatrice for 28. Both, however, pointed out that as high ranking elected officials, the bounds of their existing marriages simply do not apply.
Senator Bryan Halfsler, R-Douglasville, said he is working on an amendment to the Handley bill which would allow Gosling to marry all of the senators.
“As long as we’re legalizing things, we should just make it legal for us to share him,” said Halfsler. “He is too beautiful to be chained to one man. That’s just a fact.” Halfsler then said that if he and Gosling were in a prison shower together, that he, Halfsler, would not just drop the soap but “throw it down and then point at it with [his] face.”