CHICAGO, ILLINOIS–Chewing gum giant Wrigley will enact a partial shutdown of its Doublemint gum services beginning this morning, thanks to disagreement among the ranks of its leadership. Arguments over whether the chewing gum wrapper’s outer flap should face the left or the right side of the package escalated, resulting in neither side of the argument being willing to work together.
Ernest Whippleton III leads the left side flap argument, while F. Johnston Parndill and his supporters vehemently insist upon flaps that point left.
Whippleton’s side maintains that they’ve already won this debate, pursuing the normal course of company voting among shareholders, but Parndill refuses to cooperate, saying, “Flibbertygibbets!”
Factory workers laid off thanks to the leadership gridlock are nonplussed.
“I really don’t understand,” said Erwin Meyer, Doublemint Gum wrapping machine operator. “Their job is to figure out how to agree. They’re not doing it. But we can’t fire them because they are the leaders.”
Meyer added, “So, fuck us, I guess.”