ATLANTA–A King of Pops spokesperson announced today that its friendly staff would soon be frozen in carbonite over the winter months, just like Han Solo at the end of Empire Strikes Back, except with much more imaginative flavor pairings added to the carbonite.
“It is important to us that our staff be fully cognizant of what it’s like to be a popsicle,” said Izzy Shivrin, “That’s why we have specially prepared a number of flavors of carbonite, such as Minty Hot Dog.”
Shivrin pointed out that popsicle sales tended to taper off as the temperature in Atlanta drops, which creates a perfect opportunity for some frozen team building over those weeks.
“Frankly, we don’t know what else to do with our employees over the winter,” said Shivrin. “If we didn’t carefully suspend their lives and store them stacked neatly in a warehouse, they’d probably just form a shitty band or drink up all our PBR tallboys. Maybe both.”
Shivrin revealed a few of the delectable flavor combinations the workers would enjoy during their suspended animation.
“Like our mouth-targeted pops, so far our carbonite flavors have been a hit. It just goes to show how tasty two random ingredients and a whopping fuckload of sugar can be.”
As for the employees themselves, a source, who asked to remain pantsless, was quoted as saying “The whole thing is fine with me. First of all, I’m a huge Star Wars fan, but more than anything I want to skip right over all this election crap, the holidays, the new year, and the inauguration. Take me to Spring!”