KENNESAW–Retired pipe obfuscater Burt Dimplewas announced this week his intention to personally take responsibility for the Crusades and American slavery, saying that it was the only logical means by which he could justify his own position against the Muslim religion in the wake of 9/11.
“As a white southern Christian man harboring a grudge against the entire Muslim faith for the actions of a few, it only makes sense,” said Dimplewas. “I hereby accept the blame for the Crusades and American slavery. My bad on both counts.”
Dimplewas said that he’d also take full personal responsibility for any parts of the Bible that advocated acts of cruelty or violence. “I want to be logically free to cherry pick sections of the Qur’an that suit my anti-Muslim beliefs, so I admit full responsibility for most of the Bible’s book of Deuteronomy, among others.” he said.
When asked about the persecution of Galileo and the Spanish Inquisition, Dimplewas was quoted as saying “Oh yeah. Them too, I guess. Again, my bad.”