DALTON — Pop star Katy Perry has announced the hire of a north Georgia company to manage the Herculean task of matching carpeting to her ever-changing drapes. Shaw Industries, the worldwide flooring conglomerate based in Dalton, confirmed the move to the Banana today.
“We’re pleased to finally acknowledge our partnership with Katy,” enthused Shaw spokesman Harold Beavers. “We had no idea that constant remodeling was quite so popular out in Los Angeles…but these last few months have really opened our eyes. Apparently these younger singers are always changing their curtains and draperies, and they insist that the carpeting match. I heard that Lady Gaga character has two separate carpeting companies on retainer by herself.”
Beavers reports that Ms. Perry’s original carpeting was a dreadful ’70s shag. “We tore that out as soon as we saw it,” he said with a shudder. After ascertaining the color of the drapes, Shaw’s trained technicians got down to business. Colors were computer-matched and brand-new carpeting was installed that very day. The victory, however, was short-lived.
“No sooner had we installed the new carpet when Katy changed the drapes. I mean, the new carpet smell wasn’t even gone yet! So we were back to square one,” Beavers related.
Katy’s carpeting needs soon overwhelmed Shaw’s usual ground shipping network. Luckily, with the way Ms. Perry’s estate was laid out, a perfect little landing strip could be created. “For our plane,” Beavers added. “We had to get guys with machetes out there mowing down the underbrush, but we got it done just in time. It was a close shave.”
Just before the Grammy Awards, Ms. Perry surprised Shaw with the addition of electric blue window treatments. “That color of carpeting simply didn’t exist on Earth,” Beavers stated. “Frankly, if I walked in on carpet like that unawares, it would scare the hell out of me. But we made it anyway, and she was tickled pink.”
Beavers admitted that Shaw’s arrangement with Perry has not always been financially beneficial. “When people change their drapes on a whim like that, the consequence is that you have to eat a lot of carpet. We’ve asked her to consider some of our Brazilian hardwood flooring. It matches any color of drapes…and we’d finally be able to come up for air.”
As of press time, the current carpet situation was unclear. Shaw’s technicians were exhausted, but prepared for another challenge. Nonetheless, Beavers made a final plea.
“Please, Katy…go for the Brazilian,” he begged. “Just for a while.”