HAPEVILLE — Jesus Christ, the Messiah, Prince of Peace, and Son of Almighty God, returned to Earth Sunday surrounded by trumpeting angels on a dazzling white cloud which hovered over the original Chick-fil-A Dwarf House on the south side of Atlanta. Speaking in a booming, ethereal voice, Jesus addressed the throng of onlookers and reporters that understandably gathered hastily upon His arrival.
“Hang on a minute, hang on,” Jesus began. “HANG ON! No, this isn’t THE second coming, OK? This is just a housekeeping visit! Apparently I haven’t been explicit enough…I mean, I appeared on all those tree stumps, rocks, and grilled cheese sandwiches and you yokels JUST DON’T GET IT. Anyway, I’m here to let Chick-fil-A’s management know that it’s perfectly OK to open on Sunday. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and demand it.”
The crowd immediately burst into applause. Mr. Christ held aloft his hands, nail holes whistling in the stiff afternoon breeze, to quiet them.
“Let me explain,” he continued. “Every freaking Sunday the prayer servers in the IT closet start smoking because you hungover, chicken-crazed assholes get all the way to the drive-thru before yelling ‘Goddammit! Goddamn Chick-fil-A!’ Well, I can’t handle this crap anymore. I’m busy enough without having to respond to 6,489,522 half-drunken damnation requests every Sunday morning. So Mr. [Chick-fil-A founder S. Truett] Cathy, for the love of Me, open your damn doors on Sunday already.”
Chick-fil-A has long been known as a conservative Christian company that closes on Sunday to observe the Sabbath.
“And while we’re at it,” Jesus added,”let’s get this whole ‘Lord’s Day’ thing straight. The Sabbath was SUPPOSED to be a day where Dad and I could kick back, have a margarita, and watch a Kardashians marathon or whatever fucking mindless trashy reality show We can find to take Our minds off running the universe for an hour or two. You want to keep it holy? Knock off all the godbothering and let Us decompress.”
With that, the angels sounded a mighty note on their trumpets, and Jesus’ cloud began slowly ascending back to Heaven. Suddenly, Jesus sprang forward and yelled a final directive.
“One last thing…I have never, NOT ONCE, said ANYTHING about homosexuality or gay marriage. And let’s be honest…all the fun people in Heaven, not to mention all the angels and probably three quarters of the apostles, are queer as the day is long. So howzabout we don’t persecute them in My name anymore, mmkay?”