NEW YORK CITY–With the news that the New York Jets have added former Broncos quarterback and known annoyingly public Christian Tim Tebow, New York Knicks guard and annoyingly public Christian Jeremy Lin has declared a holy war.
“This town isn’t big enough for two people who love Jesus as much and as publicly as I do, even though technically I love Jesus way more than Tim does,” claimed Lin at a late Thursday press conference. “It’s physically impossible to love our Lord and Savior more than I do. I know, because I tried once and had an aneurysm, God be praised.”
Tebow was traded to the New York Jets on Wednesday for two draft picks, three Hail Marys, and four Our Fathers.
Lin proposed what he called a “Jesus-Off,” an event where the two sports celebrities could battle one-on-one for the title of New York’s Most Valuable Prayer, an accolade coveted by exactly zero other people. According to Lin, the Jesus-Off would consist of a number of individual events, including Prayer Posing, Post-Game Speech Jesus-Mentioning, and Sex Non-Having, among others.
“Everyone thinks that ‘Tebowing’ was so awesome,” complained Lin. “I mean, if a Florida graduate can come up with that, what do you think a Harvard guy can do? My newest pose is the latest in public godbothering, you’ll see. Oh, and widdle Timmy’s a virgin? Please…I just got my Level Seven Virgin certificate in the mail yesterday. I only look at women with peripheral vision, and I have to put God Gloves on when I make pee. Praise Jesus.”
With that, Lin prostrated himself face-down on the ground, arms outstretched yet spinning a regulation basketball on each hand, and began screaming the entire book of Psalms.
The Jesus-Off would necessarily take place sometime in early summer after the NBA season ends but before the start of NFL mini-camps. A venue has not yet been secured; representatives from Madison Square Garden and Met Life Stadium would not stop laughing long enough to comment.
For Tebow’s part, his only reaction to the kerfuffle was to return the “welcome gift” that Lin had sent him: a pair of eye-black stickers emblazoned with the bible verse “Ezekiel 23: 20” and a note that read simply, “I know what this says, jerk.”