I Want to Watch Fireworks but I Hate Crowds

Photo: Hector Alejandro

Hey, does anyone know where I can go to watch an expensive public display of fireworks without a crowd of other people blocking my view and making parking a hassle? Big plus if I can bring my dog and a six pack of beer without being messed with by the cops.

I am a taxpayer, and I want to enjoy seeing the city spend public funds on a massive fireworks show. I want to celebrate being part of a great nation and all that blah blah, I just don’t want a bunch of other buttholes around. I hate crowds, you know?

So does anyone know where I can post up? Another big plus if I can let my dogs off leash, smoke a fat joint, and maybe pop off a few caps in the air. I think I’m entitled to that much.

Like last year, I will hold up my phone to take shaky, blurred, shitty video of the fireworks with audio of me drunkenly slurring “wooooo!” and asking if anyone has seen Rick.

If I could describe my perfect Fourth, it would be Kid Rock picking me up around 6PM in a white stretch Trans Am. We crack a couple of coldies and laugh with the babes who are all wearing american flag bikinis. Then we arrive at Piedmont Park which is closed off just for us. I run into some people from work and they ask if I can get them in to see the fireworks, and Kid Rock just laughs in their faces. The babes laugh. I just smile.

I think I’m entitled to that much.


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