I Am The Sun And I Can’t Wait to Burn the Shit Out of Atlanta

Gonna burn your ass so bad. Get ready, bitches! PHOTO: NASA

What’s up, dipshits? Just wanted to let you all know that you might be enjoying Spring weather right now, but your old pal Sol is gonna burn your fleshy Atlanta asses to a crisp in just a few short weeks. Oh man, I cannot wait.

Let me just tell you. My favorite thing is listening to all this global warming and climate change jibber jabber. One degree more or less ain’t shit to me. I’m gonna supernova one day and swallow your whole spot right up anyways. Just try to air condition your way out of that, fuckers!

The house always wins, and I am the ultimate house around these parts. The world absolutely does revolve around me. In fact, all of them do.

Radiating energy is my business, y’all, and business is good, especially when you Earth fools trap and magnify my heat with your dumb atmosphere. Venus does it too and I fucking love it. I wish Mercury and Mars would up their greenhouse game, but one’s too close and the other’s too far away. Oh well. Couple of punks, those guys.

There’s still you, Earth, and specifically you, Atlanta. I’m coming. Get out your sun hats and shit because I am radiating like a motherfucker over here.


  1. Dear sun,

    You are a lying sack of shit. Like a politician, you have made promises that are as worthless as a Miley Cyrus autograph. Like a welfare father, you have disappeared, leaving your children, weather-broke, staring expressionless at the sky as if awaiting a suicide ride on Halle-Bop. I didn’t move to the Pacific Northwest for a reason.. it rains all the god damn time. It rains so much that moss grows on the roofs of houses. If I wanted green shingles I’d be an old person that didn’t wash my back.

    As you are the center of the universe, I proudly offer you the center of my fingers in salute to the shitty job you’ve done thus far.

    In closing, I’d like to quote some other creatures that you have not shined your light upon, the Spongmonkeys, who said “We like the moon”. I think this quote is rathergood.

    In closing, you suck.

    -Children of the moon

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