How To Become a Rockstar, Engineer, Architect, or Guru Simply by Doing Something Internetty

Hey Hans, do you wish you had a pencil? Well, too bad.

Have you always felt that you were special, but you’ve experienced difficulty with accomplishment? Do you wish you had a fancy title? Did school seem long, hard, and expensive, like a gratuitous diamond phallus? Well good news, friend, because if your job is at all internet related, you can slap a shiny new title on yourself and no one will bat an eye.

Rockstar – If you’ve read into the background of most famous musicians, you know it takes a long time to get famous. You’ll also know it helps to be attractive and physically fit. Fuck that to all three; this is the internet! If you’ve ever tweeted, intsagramed, or faced the book, get ready to tap the word “rockstar” into that resume!

Engineer – Traditional “engineers” have to go to school and fight their way through science and math courses that would straighten Thomas Savery’s curly wig. Then they have to apply that knowledge in their field for a few years, then sit for a test. Finally, a bunch of engineers look over the applicant’s work and decide whether to admit him or her. But not you! If you’re conversant in any internet technology from HTML to setting up wireless routers, you can call yourself an Engineer. Yes!

Architecht – Got a little more internetty experience? Maybe you’ve gone from editing your tumblr to setting up WordPress, or you have moved the office’s wireless router closer to your cube. Whichever it is, upgrade yourself from Engineer to Architect. You’re now qualified to rant about productivity, your company’s org chart, and how stupid those asshole customers are. Fuck those guys, right?

Guru – Has anyone, and we mean literally anyone asked you a question that you knew the answer to? Have you answered a question on stackoverflow or Reddit? Well cop a full lotus position, Swami Badass, because you are a guru! And you didn’t even have to achieve peace or enlightenment or whatever other crap traditional gurus bother with. Nice work!

We hope we’ve helped you get that next position, gang. If you happen to meet a traditional engineer, architect, rockstar, or guru at a cocktail party, make sure to let them know you skipped a bunch of boring old crap that they slogged through. Those dummies!