House GOP Passes Controversial Puppy Drowning Bill

Bark! Bark bark! BARK! Bark? PHOTO: James Brooks

WASHINGTON, DC–House Republicans narrowly pushed through a bill on Thursday that stipulates death by drowning for all sweet, adorable puppy dogs from newborns to 17 weeks of age, over the objections of Democrats and a veto threat from President Obama.

The vote was 217 to 210, largely along party lines, though the bill is expected to die in the Senate.

Republican leaders, under pressure from Tea Party-backed conservatives, said the bill was needed because cute cuddly puppies are destroying the American Way of Life, for reasons that they can’t fully explain.

“This bill eliminates the hideous threat these puppies represent to the American public,” said Senator Ted Cruz , R-Texas, at a GOP press conference Thursday afternoon. “These puppies are unconstitutional, they are socialists, and they are causing enormous harms to millions of Americans.”

Cruz then gave a demonstration of the new bill. He picked up a 7 week old chocolate lab puppy named Cocoa, belonging to House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, who had purchased it for his 4 year old granddaughter’s birthday. After Cruz moved the puppy away away from his face, because it kept trying to lick him, he held Cocoa down in a bucket of water until she stopped struggling and bubbles no longer appeared on the surface. A period of two to three minutes elapsed, during which at no time did House Speaker Boehner make any attempt to save Cocoa. Cruz then held the dead puppy aloft and stated, “Today is the day we begin the fight to Restore America!”, his voice rising to an insane scream and foamy spittle flying from his mouth.

Recent polls have shown that as few as 10% of Americans are in favor of drowning sweet, innocent puppies. Yet when those same Americans are told instead that “Obamutts” will be drowned, the number rises to 85%.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann blasted President Obama for his unwillingness to work with Republicans on the bill.

“He has refused to negotiate with us or even meet with us on this issue,” said Bachmann late Wednesday night at a Republican dinner where they dined on flambéed baby ducks. “When it comes to drowning puppies, it seems Obama isn’t interested in any compromise at all. It’s completely outrageous, and the American people deserve better.”