ATLANTA, GA–Local total and complete aloof badass son-of-a-bitch Ryan Hunter simply does not care about the Academy Awards. Known colloquially as “the Oscars,” the Academy Awards is an awards ceremony recognizing achievements in film. It is televised yearly.
Hunter, unsatisfied with mere Twitter or Facebook posts about how much he doesn’t care about the Oscars, decided to show Hollywood exactly how much he doesn’t care by having the words “I don’t care about the Oscars” tattooed on his face.
“Yeah, it hurt a lot,” said Hunter. “Especially when they were doing the part across my jaw bone. But it’s worth it. I don’t care about their dumb ‘Birdman’ movie or any of it.” Hunter went on to say that most of the stars weren’t even wearing anything striking or original.
Representatives of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), the organization behind the Oscars, say they are utterly devastated.
“We’ve been considering shutting The Oscars down for years now because of all the mean tweets,” said Goldie Stachew, spokesperson. “But now this thing? A face tattoo? Shit, it really hurts.” Stachew paused the interview at this point to dab at her face with a Starbucks napkin, then collapsed into a sobbing heap.
Representatives from the major studios failed to return calls, but one posted a photo of himself at a doctor’s office receiving emergency saline. The photo caption read “this is how many tears I have shed.” His sorry is believed to be connected to the face tattoo.