WASHINGTON, DC–Ending two years of “Oh come on already,” Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her candidacy for President of the United States of No Shit, Sherlock, immediately establishing herself as the already-established-in-everything-but-the-most-overt-way-possible candidate.
“I am running for President,” said Ms. Clinton. “I also want voters to know that I breathe every day, eat food regularly, and fall into a motionless state most evenings. That motionless state is known to doctors as ‘sleep.'”
Clinton’s campaign team numbers well into the hundreds and is somehow already assembled and organized despite a presidency only hours old.
“Every day Americans need a champion. Also, our atmosphere takes on a bluish hue thanks to the way our sun’s light diffuses through it,” said Clinton. “I hope you’ll all join me on this journey.”