Hawks Unveil Plan to Win by Damaging Opponents Retinas


ATLANTA–The record-breaking Atlanta Hawks basketing-the-ball team unveiled plans to build on this season’s successes by damaging the retinas of next season’s opponents. The plan is to cause ocular strain with uniforms so visually jarring that no human being can look at them for very long.

“We went to a local design firm and said, ‘Make something that would have gotten you thrown out of SCAD,'” said team spokesman Stretch Girdles. “Boy, did they deliver.”

Basketing-the-ball players are trained to focus on an opposing player’s center of mass to avoid being tricked by exaggerated movements of the head or limbs. But when focusing on a Hawks player, opponents will find themselves forced to either look away or go blind.

Hawks players will be outfitted with contact lenses that protect their eyes from the damaging effects of the uniform design. Girdles says fans won’t be in any danger of retinal damage. “Fans are all looking at their phones anyway,” he said. “If they end up with eye problems, that’ll be the reason.”


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