Grant Park Cannons Will Be Used to Demolish Turner Field

Why not? What do you mean it's not safe?

GRANT PARK–The City of Atlanta has announced that the large Civil War era cannons permanently displayed on the sidewalk outside the Atlanta Cyclorama will be used to destroy Turner Field once the Braves baseball team is finished abandoning the city that has faithfully supported their late season disappointments for many years.

The Braves have announced that they will relocate operations to Cobb County, in an effort to get as far as possible from a MARTA station.

“Oh sure, Turner Field is perfectly good,” said Bill Dingrazed, demolition contractor. “But we’re gonna knock it down anyway. Probably just leave it an abandoned hole like Buckhead. Progress!” He then pointed out that knocking down a perfectly good stadium only seems like a bad idea if you think baseball is the most important sport played there. “Don’t forget: politics and construction are also professional sports,” he said.

According to the proposal, the city realized the Grant Park artillery pieces were already aimed “pretty much” at Turner Field, so all they had to do is pack them with gunpowder and blast away, generating valuable media traction.

“Might take a few shots to get it just right,” said Dingrazed. “So if you live in the Phoenix Park or Georgia Ave area, you know, maybe look out.”


  1. Perfect timing, Darrin. Everyones panicked dogs will have just finally gotten to sleep by then.

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