DOWNTOWN — Grady Memorial Hospital officials unveiled a 150-ft likeness of pop star Justin Bieber atop the hospital’s main building today, in an effort to lower their street “credentials,” or “cred.”
Citing examples of gunshot victims traveling hours by car for the privilege of being treated at Grady, hospital spokesman Effram Hartness pleaded with the public today in a press conference held outside its administrative offices.
“Metropolitan Atlantans, people of the great state of Georgia,” he called. “Behold our giant Bieber! There is now no reason to drag your leaky carcass all the way to us. Get treatment at the nearest hospital to you!”
The assembled crowd appeared nonplussed, but Hartness continued.
“I mean, have you considered any of the other fine Atlanta hospitals, such as Northside or Emory? I hear they have free WiFi at Northside, and they can afford much hotter chicks than we can.”
At this, the crowd was heard to mutter as one, begrudging interest in hotter chicks.
“Is it really free WiFi, or the kind where you have to sign up for some stupid crap?” a member of the crowd shouted.
At this, Hartness conferred with a colleage at his side, then responded, “I can not comment at this time on the quality of Northside’s WiFi, but we’re pretty sure they can treat illnesses of any kind.”
Members of the crowd looked at one another.
“Which is the exact reason,” he concluded, “That anyone should go to a hospital in the first place. This press conference is over. No further questions.”